What The Hell

Lately I've been feeling a wee bit overwhelmed. Enough to where I think I might just be going crazy. At the ripe old age of 33, I have mastered the art of suppressing thoughts and memories of things that really bother me. God created trained professionals to help us deal with these types of things, but I don't have time for that crap. I'm too busy being stuck in a vicious cycle of insanity.

The bottom line is that I'm stressed. I feel like we are always going, going, going and there's no time for anything except work and our monkeys...and when there are a few free minutes, they are filled with housework, grocery shopping and other 'mandatory' chores... Sometimes I don't even do that though. Sometimes I find myself staring at the TV, not moving a muscle and not even really watching what is on. My mind is thinking about everything that I 'should' be doing and my body is saying "Screw that!".

Most days I feel like I am doing just enough to get by...and that SUCKS! It makes me so angry that I can’t get my bu** up earlier in the morning to actually think about DOING something with myself. You know…drying my hair, shaving my legs, putting on an ironed button-down shirt, throwing on some mascara and eyeliner……those are all good things…and they NEVER happen. I have no shame in going to work looking like a wreck. Why is that? It pisses me off that we eat out as much as we do and I’m not organized enough to have semi-healthy dinners that can easily be made in the evenings before our little time bombs go off. I would love to clean my bathrooms more than once a month (if we’re lucky) and keep the house tidy….but that doesn’t happen either. I KNOW that some of my stress and anxiety right now is due to how unorganized and chaotic everything is. I’m really TRYING to get my act together, but the days fly by…and I’m not willing to totally give up everything ‘fun’ to be more structured. I literally wouldn’t be able to take the kids on playdates, or have Lili in gymnastics, or meet up with a friend occasionally if I tried to be as organized as I would like to be. My life would revolve around ‘systems’…which is nice…but not enough to make us all happy.

I need a happy medium, but I don’t know where that is…so instead I eat ice cream…which contributes to my biggest issue of all…being a fatty…*sigh*… So much to psychoanalyze…so little time…