Mourning The Loss Of The Swimmers

I have been finding myself mourning the loss of Drew's swimmers lately. I was having some of these feelings right around Will's 1st birthday and for awhile my mourning seemed to subside...but now it's back again...full force... If Drew knew I was actually serious when I made comments like, 'Don't you wish we could have another baby honey?' or 'Don't you miss when they were itty bitty and we could hold them in one hand?', he would probably have a heart attack and die, right then and there. Don't get me wrong, he absolutely loves our kids but he is 100% D.O.N.E. If we happened to have a 3rd, of course he would love him/her just as much, but there's no chance of that...now that the swimmers were gated up. Then again, he never went back for that 'verification' checkup... Anyway, back to my mourning. Yep, I'm mourning. Some days it actually makes me want to cry that we made such a permanent decision. Other days I'm more realistic about it. We made that decision for a pretty damn good reason if you ask me. We didn't make it because we hastily decided to stop at two. We made it because we didn't want to risk another premature baby and all of the ups and downs that we went through to get to where we are today. We are in a great place...we have a great life...2 healthy children...could we be that lucky again? I don't know. We didn't want to take that chance though...and so we did it...and it seemed 'right' at the time...but now, a year later, I am kicking myself. I think a lot of it has to do with so many of my friends just starting their families, or continuing to grow their families and here I am...'done'...and that feels really sad to me. Of course I am overwhelmed just with my two monkeys 90% of the time, but I would hope the people reading through this blog or seeing my posts on Facebook see how much I love them and how much they make me laugh. The amount of love that I feel for my kids is overwhelming at times. I never thought it would be that strong. Seeing Lili and Will's faces every day is what makes me want to have a gazillion more...like the Duggars... So yeah...somehow I need to figure out how to suck it up and deal. It's done...I can't change it. Maybe if I just buy lots of cute newborn clothes and toys for all of my friend's babies it will be enough to tame the Baby Beast in my mind?