Fart Stories

I have actually had several extremely embarrassing moments involving farts over the years...stories which sort of make me cringe to think about them, but make me laugh a WHOLE lot more. Then I laugh even harder when I think of my husband, who used to be a Free Farter...but now is Fart Sensitive...

To give y'all some background, when Drew and I first started dating he introduced me to his gaseous ways. I believe it was on our 2nd date when he let one rip in front of me. This eventually developed into multiple farts every time we were together. His reasoning was simple...he HAD to let them out. They were NATURAL. If he didn't let them out, they would build up inside of him and eventually he would EXPLODE. He would even encourage ME to pass the gas monster, which I found myself doing with ease over a period of time. During our 2nd month of dating he introduced me to the buttercup. This is when you know you're going to let a silent, but deadly, gas wave out of your butt...so you cup your hand over your butthole...'catch' it when it comes out...run over to your best friend or mate...and slowly open your hand right under their nose. I was shocked to discover that this actually works. I have been stink bombed so many times that way it's ridiculous.

I totally blame my husband for how I am today, though if you were to talk to him he would tell you a different story. He no longer spouts off about gas being 'natural' or about the impending 'explosions'. He no longer encourages others to release the 'inner beast'. At some point over the years Mr. Drew grew up but forgot to send me the memo. So here I am, still thinking farts are funny...still thinking they should be set free...and there he is, Mr. Manners. The guy used to fart any time, any place...but now he believes in the notion that there is a time and a place for everything..........and sometimes that time isn't when you think it is. He will come home and tell me a Free Farter story from work...you know, like letting one rip and then calling one of his employees into the office to come 'look at something'...and in his mind, this is the most hilarious thing to have occurred all week. But if I were to fart to get the kids to look at my camera, the world would suddenly come to a grinding halt. Girls cannot be Free Farters. We're supposed to be dainty and ladylike. Ladylike, my arse! As I continue to remind him...YOU MADE ME THIS WAY!! Ya can't take it back now...at least not without a little work. I will definitely need some help to change my own gaseous ways. Just be thankful I don't blow snotrockets on the sidewalk in front of people passing by...