Runaway Train

My brain feels like a runaway train lately. If you've ever had a panic attack, or even dealt with anxiety at a milder level, you know what I'm talking about...and you know how frustrating it can be not to have control over your thoughts. Sometimes I can feel the anxiety in the pit of stomach and I know exactly what it is...but I don't always know why it's there. Occasionally I can pinpoint an event or a situation or a fear as soon as that feeling comes over me. Other times I don't really even KNOW why it's happening. It's just a general feeling of uneasiness...maybe all my fears and insecurities jumbled up into a big ball so tight there is no distinction? I can't remember a single period in my life when I didn't have anxiety. Even as a little girl I did...but I didn't know what it was back then. I remember telling my parents that I was 'scared' and I think they thought I was playing the old 'I'm scared' trick that kids pull to get out of going to bed or doing something they don't want to do. The sad part is that I realize now that I was having anxiety and I wish I could have explained it to them back then. Not that they could have done a whole lot for me...I mean hell, I'm a 33 year old, grown woman and I still don't know how to fix this. I've tried lots of different drugs, therapy and the good ol' look-in-the-mirror-and-tell-yourself-to-stop-it shit. Some have taken the edge off, but it never goes away. I might have a few days where life seems pretty calm and peaceful, then I will experience anxiety over something so ridiculous it almost makes me want to smack myself upside the head. Anxiety isn't about what you 'know' though. It's like the most IRRATIONAL part of you controlling everything and once it takes over, you just have to wait for her to finish. Yeah sure, there are all kinds of techniques they advertise to combat a panic attack, or to at least shorten it...but my problem is not shortening it...my problem is that I don't even want the shit to start in the first place. Why do I need to endure those feelings for even 5 minutes? Knocking it down from 30 minutes to 20 minutes doesn't mean a damn thing to me because by that point, the damage is done. The fact that it started at all is the problem and I'm looking for that miracle pill to just make it go away...but it doesn't exist. At least that's what the head doc tells me.

Drew thinks I'm a complete and total psycho...but he still loves me, which is why he stays married to me. I'm funny and he knows his life would be boring without my sarcasm and bitchiness. I've tried explaining this whole anxiety mess to him, but his response is usually something along the lines of...'I don't understand. Why are you worrying about that stuff?' I'm pretty sure if I just told him about the anxiety and didn't tell him about some of the causes, he might think I'm a little less psycho...but of course when he asks me 'why' I'm feeling a certain way, the honest part of me blurts out the truth. I know some people would say, 'I wish my husband could just be in my shoes for one day and experience this.'...but I wouldn't wish this on anyone...much less my best friend. I would rather he continue to be curious and confused by all of this than to truly know what it feels like. He's supportive of me trying to figure out what I need to do to resolve this 'little' problem, but I think he often wonders why I can't just turn it off...you know, like a lightswitch. I'm freaking out about stupid shit...so just stop. Well, if it were that easy I can tell you I would have done it YEARS ago.

My current worries are actually sort of funny...but not funny... Funny because they are regarding things that haven't even happened yet. Stuff that I don't know when or if I will ever experience. They're not funny because of course there is a reason behind why I worry about them. A past experience is usually the culprit and then I subconsciously apply it to the future. For example, sickness and kids. Kids are going to get sick. We all get sick. I've had 33 years of various illnesses to look back on and yet this upcoming fall/winter season is FREAKING.ME.OUT. Not just a little bit...like, A LOT. I worry about who is going to get what and when. Am I going to have to deal with vomit this year or will it just be random fevers and colds? How will Will be as a 'sick kid'? He's an extremely VOCAL child when he's teething or sleep deprived.......add congestion or a sick tummy to the mix and he's going to put me in the nut house. When the kids get sick, Drew and/or I usually get sick too so how are we going to manage caring for sick kids when we just want to lay down and die ourselves? How is work going to be affected? ...and on...and on...and on... Crazy, right? I mean sure...a lot of Moms probably are a little worried going into each school year when germs are on the rise after a long summer break...but I don't think they OBSESS about it and get to the point where they have knots in their stomach. I'm guessing that's not 'normal'. Though no one has EVER used that word to describe me before anyway, so no loss there!

What else am I obsessing about...oh, here is a good one. When my kids start kindergarten (for some reason I'm not as concerned about the years up until then)...which isn't even going to happen for Lili for another TWO YEARS...I worry about them making friends. I worry that they will get teased and I wonder how they will handle those situations. I worry that I, as a parent, will not have prepared them for things like that. I worry that rather than being teased, they might become the one who teases others. Why am I thinking about this NOW?!?

So that's where I'm at this week...worrying. My list of worries is long, so my quest to figure out how to stop this madness has become my one and only goal for 2010. Of course now the FUNNIEST worry I have is about worrying. Yes, I'm worrying about worrying and wondering when it will end? HA!