Big Change

Well, the big changes that I always suspected were coming soon have officially hit!  Last Wednesday, after almost 12 years, I gave my notice.  I will be taking a 1 year contract job with a new company, making the big bucks, and after that I hope to be able to stay home with the kids.  I have had so many people asking me why the hell I would leave a permanent position for contract work...and what made me decide to stay home with the kids NOW, rather than when they were babies?  Where oh where should I start...

The biggest and most important reason for all of this change is the kids.  When I was really young, I remember wanting to grow up, get married and have babies.  When I got to high school, it became popular to be career Mom.  At that time I wanted to be an architect, so my views on adulthood had me standing there with a kid on each hip and a drafting table in front of me.  I believed that this could be done and that I could be awesome at BOTH things.  I could be the best Mom in the world AND the best architect in the world.  I could have it all.  Well, my dreams of becoming an architect eventually took me in another direction and I found myself in IT, which is where I still am today.  Ok, no problem...now I can just be the best Mom in the world and the best IT Analyst in the world, right?  Wrong!  To be honest, I don't think I'm doing very well at either one.  Sure, I would say I'm a decent Mom and a decent analyst, but I know that I'm not giving either one my all.  I'm doing the best that I can under the circumstances...but it doesn't really make me feel good about myself knowing that I'm doing just enough to get by and that I can't do much more.  I want to do something REALLY WELL.  I want to feel like I am giving the best of me to something really important and what's really important are my kids.  Sure, I have identified myself as a career woman for many years now and it has been a great experience for me, but in the end I worry that my kids are suffering because of it.  They don't get a relaxed, carefree, happy Mom.  They get a stressed out, frazzled, rush to get everything done Mom and they deserve better than that.  I want to be with them more than 3 hours a day during the week.  I want us to have FUN together and I want to teach them things.  And so far, I haven't been able to do that.  Since the day they were born, I've been a full time working Mom.  After Lili arrived I still thought that's what I wanted, even though I would have moments of doubt.  After Will arrived, my moments of doubt started to outnumber the moments when I felt confident in what I was doing.  It took me awhile to get to this point and to accept the fact that I can't be the best at everything...but now I think I'm there. 

When I came to the realization that I wanted to make a change and that the change needed to benefit my family more, I didn't really know how to do it.  With our school loans, we couldn't just drop down to one income and call me a stay at home Mom.  It's not that easy when your school loans cost almost as much as your house.  But then I got a call about the position that I'm moving into now.  A contract position.  At first it sounded really scary because it wasn't permanent, but isn't that ultimately what I'm looking for?  An opportunity to make a lot of money so that we can pay off some debt and secure a good savings, but one that will also allow me to be home with my kids?  After I got over the initial shock, I did some calculating...went through the interview...and found myself face to face with an offer.  A big one.  They were going to pay me more than what I had asked for, I would get to work from home 100% and I would only have to travel once a month (Monday afternoon to Thursday evening).  The contract would last a year and I would have an end date of May 31st, 2012...3 months before Lili is scheduled to start kindergarten.  Even though I was scared out of my MIND, it would have been insane to turn this down.  So I accepted, gave my notice and am now in the process of transitioning 12 years worth of knowledge and emails to my coworkers.  My first day with the new company is Thursday, May 26th and I can't wait. 

I've been expecting some freakout moments...moments where I would frantically ask myself WTF was I thinking...but you know what?  I haven't had any yet.  What I feel most of the time is just genuine excitement.  I am excited to work with new people on a new project...I'm excited to earn an incredible salary to help us get everything in order financially before next May...and I'm excited when I think about how life will change for my family in a year.  I can't wait to see how things go...and to see the kind of Mom I will become when I don't have a stressful, full time job hanging over my head all the time.  It's possible that I might change my mind in a year...or that I will totally suck as a SAHM...but I can't WAIT to try!