Identity Crisis

I think I'm going through an identity crisis.  Yes, I still have 9 months before my contract with the new job ends, but I am already experiencing some weird feelings about it.  I have great reasons for doing what I'm doing and I truly hope things turn out the way I planned, however I'm afraid I won't know the girl I will end up being come May.  I have no comprehension of what it's like NOT to have a job.  I've held 1-2 jobs nonstop since I was 15 and my last job occupied 12 of those years.  I've never been laid off, even when I asked for it, and I'm used to working overtime more than the bare minimum.  I have a LONG list of things I want to do when I'm 'done', but I still wonder what I'm going to do with myself.  What if I'm bored?  What if my parenting skills DON'T improve and I actually suck even MORE as a Mom?  What if I don't take advantage of the quality time that I will have with my children and I waste that time?  What if I regret my decision?  What if Will staying home with Mommy causes more harm than good when it comes to some of the behavioral issues we are having with him?  And I haven't even BEGUN to think about the financial stress...which WILL be there as we cut the income coming into our house by literally 50%. 

But then I think about all of the reasons why I WANT to do this.  I WANT to take a break and in many respects I NEED the break. I need my family to come first and I don't always believe that it does.  I would love to say that it does, but honestly?  I drop things with my kids or my husband, to deal with work shit all the time...and it sucks.  I want THEM to be the priority...no matter what.  I'm tired of the chaos of 2 full time working parents and 2 full time attending daycare kids.  I hate worrying about who will stay home with them when they are sick and who is going to have to take time off to do it.  I'd love to have some actual TIME to clean our house, do laundry, get organized and still work on some of the  crafty things that I truly love.  Most importantly, I want to be home when my kids get off the school bus.  I want to be there when they've had a hard day and need some comforting.  I want to focus on some of the behavioral issues we've seen in both Lili and Will and try some new things to address them...hopefully with success too!  My list is long...and ultimately I just want to give a shot.  See how I do.  Maybe I will hate it...maybe I will love it.  Maybe it will be the best decision I've ever made...maybe I will be committed and spend the rest of my life in a straitjacket.  I honestly don't know...and while I HATE not knowing, I still seem to be moving forward.

So many changes in the coming year...EEK!