The Weight Game

I haven't posted about my chub-removal journey too much lately because there isn't a whole lot to celebrate.  A little over a week ago I hit 47 lbs lost...3 lbs shy of the big 5-0...which has always felt completely out of reach for me.  47 lbs is awesome.  I know that.  But when you have as much to lose as I do, it's extremely hard when you hit a plateau...especially one that you have control over to some extent.  Yes, lots of people get to this point when they are trying to lose weight, but when you have severe mental issues regarding food and size, as I do, it's like the end of the freaking world.  I literally have moments of severe depression over my plateau...thoughts of giving up and just stuffing my face with a pizza again.  I mean, why the hell not?  My weight isn't coming off like it was and I keep screwing it up.  Luckily, the weight I've lost so far is still keeping me from jumping off the cliff.  Yes, my toes are dangling...but I'm not ready to jump...yet.  I still WANT to lose more and I still WANT to be successful.  I can see that I have done something here that I have never done before for myself and I WANT to continue.  Now, I somehow need to find some extra willpower to get back on the horse and keep going. 

From the way I sound, one might think that I've been sneaking off to chow on some pasta or that I've been hiding Hostess cupcakes in my sock drawer to nibble on at night.  I can assure you that is not the case.  My 'cheats' are not even what I would consider BIG cheats.  I'm not saying, 'Screw it, it's just one meal and shoving 6 slices of pizza in my face, along with the dessert.'  My 'cheats' are things like dressing on my salad (a no-no), rather than the approved oil and vinegar...fat free veggie dip for my veggies (another no-no), rather than eating them plain...a shot of creamer in my coffee (shoot me now), rather than drinking it black...  Little things...but it all adds up to be big things.  It might not have affected weight loss so much on other programs, but on this program...it does.  I'm not saying I haven't had ANY big cheats...I have...but they have been rare.  I can still count the number of times on one hand, which for being on this diet almost 5 months, I would have to say that's pretty good.  I have gotten through a lot of rough events without cheating AT ALL...and then others where I have allowed myself a little treat. 

In the end, I'm trying REALLY hard not to let myself get so down that I give up.  I REALLY want to keep going...I just somehow need to convince my stomach to settle down at times and not take over my mind.  I went to a BBQ last night and screwed up the week, so today I'm back on the program and trying to be super strict so that I can at least come out even at my weighin on Friday.  I would love to say that I will make up for it next week, however I will be travelling then and while I did great the last time I was in NY, I still wasn't perfect.  I wasn't able to get in all of my shakes every day and I did have to resort to some non-regulation foods.  I was out of my element and it showed on the scales...but I was able to get back on track.  Hopefully when I return from my trip this time I can spend the following couple of weeks getting past the 50 lb mark.  That will certainly be a day for me to remember...  Some days I can't even believe I've come this far, but THAT is a goal I NEVER thought I would meet. 

So, keep your fingers crossed for me!  I need all the good vibes I can get to keep me going!  Right now I tell myself that what I'm experiencing is 'real life'.  This is what it will be like when I am done with the program and I have to keep on living.  I somehow have to find a way to keep in touch with my eating habits and keep in touch with how my weight is fluctuating so that I can work to keep it under control.  I can still enjoy all of the foods that I have always loved, just not every day or for every meal.  Not every meal has to be spectacular...as hard as that is to believe!