We've Tried It All

I can honestly say, Drew and I have tried it all when it comes to our kids.  Ok, maybe not EVERYTHING...but we've definitely covered all of the basics and then some!  When they are misbehaving, we can't just take away their favorite toy and have them miraculously sprout wings and become angels.  When they are refusing to go to bed, throwing them in their room and shutting the door isn't going result in us not hearing from them again until morning.  We've tried disciplining them, we've tried incentives, we've tried implementing a reward system, we've tried putting a positive spin on everything, we've seen no significant improvement with any of them.  They laugh when you put them in timeout.  They laughed when we spanked them for the first time and then they hit us back (we opted not to try that one again).  If you take their toys from them, they will figure out a way to have fun with nothing.  If you take their food away when they are being naughty at the table, they just accept that they won't eat.  NOTHING phases them. 


I have friends who tell me their children cry when they are sent to timeout.  I want that!  I have other friends who tell me that taking toys away will result in their children suddenly doing as their told.  I want that too!  I have friends who had babies who slept through the night at 6 weeks old (WITHOUT having to do the cry-it-out thing), take awesome naps and are now toddlers who go to bed without any struggles and sleep 12 hours or more. I'll DEFINITELY take that! 


So what did we actually get?


We got TWO babies who woke up every 3 hours for MONTHS and didn't sleep through the night until after they turned one.  Even now we have random nights where one of them is WIDE AWAKE from 2-4am for some unknown reason.  We also have children who wake at the buttcrack of dawn...which is often by 5:30am.  They have no concept of weekends vs. weekdays and are READY.TO.GO as soon as their eyes open.  Forcing them back to their beds, alone, results in HOURS of screaming. No, not the 20-30 minutes that some people describe...HOURS.  We made it through 2.5 hours of screaming one time.  Never again will I do that.  Even with a 4 yr old and almost 3 yr old, letting them scream like that isn't worth it.


With Lili we tried all the little tricks to get her to feel comfortable sleeping in her own room.  We made her bedroom fun and friendly and bright.  We got her a flashlight and a nice nightlight.  We would leave the door open so she would know someone was out there.  We got her soft bedding, let her pick it out and always made sure she had her favorite blankie and stuffed animals with her.  We read her books before bed and sang her a couple of lullabys.  She's had a fan in her room for white noise since she was a baby.  Nothing worked and she ended up in our bed full time.


Will always slept in his crib until he got old enough to realize that Lili wasn't sleeping in her room.  This resulted in HOURS of screaming at bedtime...and if he woke up in the middle of the night and if you tried to put him back in his crib, he would start screaming again.  We KNEW he was upset because Lili was in our bed and he was being sentenced to his own, dark, lonely room.  This eventually led to 2 kids in our bed...and having to lay with both of them until they fell asleep.  Once asleep, you could NOT move Lili without her waking up and sceraming hysterically about being afraid of her room.  We did, however, move Will to his crib and prayed each night that he would sleep through so that we would have a little more space to ourselves...and Lili. 


Recently we decided to make a big change.  A friend of mine said she had always had sleep issues with her son as well and that what ended up being the turning point was putting rooming her 2 boys together.  Yes, we have a little different situation with 1 boy and 1 girl, but they are still young...and we thought that might resolve Lili's issues with being 'alone'.  We told the kids about our plan and they were SO excited to be roomies!  We bought a 2nd twin mattress and put both mattresses on the floor in one room.  The first couple of nights they did awesome.  We established a routine right away...dinner, bath, video...tuck them in their beds...dim the lights...read a couple of stories...and leave.  The first few nights they were so tired from activities during the day, they just went right to sleep.  On the 4th night however, they decided to jump on their beds and scream for 2 hours before settling down and finally going to sleep after 10pm.  For those of you reading this and thinking we are awful parents to have allowed this to go on...what would you suggest we do to get them to lay down and go to sleep?  Outside of duct taping their limbs to their beds and taping their mouths to give us some peace and quiet...I don't think our 2 crazies would have responded to anything.  We removed all of their toys and books from the room...they missed out on swimming the next day, which is what I was going to do for them as a reward...they each lost another magnet (from their reward chart), which put them another night further from the reward..........and they didn't care.  Lili whimpered about it for a minute or two the following morning, but it didn't stop her from doing it again the following night.  It's been 2 weeks now and we have good bedtimes and bad bedtimes.  The good nights usually occur after we have spent the day wearing them out.  The bad nights occur during the week when they have had naps at daycare and are extra energized.  We have tried eliminating the naps altogether, however the center has rules they must follow.  Will only gets a 45 minute nap and Lili gets the same, IF she even falls asleep (which isn't the norm).  Luckily once they are in bed and asleep, they do o.k. sleeping through the night.  There have been a couple of nights where one or the other has woken up, but we are usually able to take them back to their beds, lay with them for a minute and leave. 


Last night was a perfect example of what we go through now...  Drew took the kids to our room around 7:30pm.  He was going to lay with them a bit, read them a couple of stories and then transfer them to their beds.  Around 8:15pm I heard the door open and the sound of little feet...running back and forth...up and down the hall.  A few minutes later Drew had them in their room...locked (we bought one of those hook and eye locks for the outside).  This is when the kids proceed to jump and scream until 9:00pm.  At that point Drew went back to check on them, only to find both kids...completely naked...jumping on their beds.  He demanded that they put their clothes back on and lay down, but of course that didn't work.  Lili then ran to the front door and began fumbling with the locks.  I heard Drew ask, 'What in the world are you doing, Lili?'...to which Lili responded, 'I'm going outside!'.  Duh.  Things didn't settle down until almost 10pm. What is the magic trick other parents use to get their kids to listen?  I don't know...but I would pay GOOD MONEY to find out!


Not only do we have issues at bedtime, but we also have general behavior issues to deal with as well.  You know, like the fighting that occurs between the two of them...not listening when instructed to do something...oh and then there is Will's vocabulary.  Since his new favorite word is 'stupid', we get reports from his teachers that he now calls his friends 'stupid poopy faces'.  We also get to witness him calling Lili 'stupid', which results in some tattling...maybe even a little shoving and smacking.  It's amazing to watch them go from hugging and playing so nicely together...to wanting to kill each other. 


Drew and I try, as much as we possibly can, to find things that work with our kids...and to regain as much control as possible in this house.  I wish we were more successful than we are.  I do have to say though, I think that children have a lot to do with whether or not their parents are successful.  Some children are born naturally wanting to please their parents.  They WANT to make their parents happy and therefore they will change their behaviors to achieve that.  Other children...like BOTH of our children...thrive on 'reactions'.  Good or bad, they LOVE to see others react to whatever they are doing.  If they had to choose between a happy Mom reaction and a crazy, angry, pissed-off Mom reaction...I think they would go for the latter......because it's more 'exciting'.  They are thrill-seekers, which scares me sometimes!  I have moments where I find it amusing, but many times where I think I'm about to explode.  Some people got lucky with their naturally obedient munchkins, I was blessed with my two crazy, ADHD, rabid spider monkeys.  The thing is...even if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't.  While driving me NUTS, they make me laugh like a madwoman.  Yes, I wish I could find some things to help make it a little easier around here, but I don't want to change their personalities.  I still need my crazies to keep me laughing!