Love Pounds

I've finally figured out why I won't tell my husband exactly how much I weigh.  It's not because I'm afraid of what he will think.  It's not because I weigh MORE than he does, which really is mortifying.  It's because of the LOVE POUNDS.  Love pounds are the pounds you don't 'see' because you love someone.  A series of very simple calculations can help you figure out how many LOVE POUNDS your husband gives you...

1. First, ask your husband how much he thinks you weigh.
2. Take the number he gives you and...

•  ...add 20 lbs, if your actual weight is OVER 200.
• ...add 15 lbs, if your actual weight is between 150-200.
• ...add 10 lbs, if your actual weight is between 100-150.
• ...if your actual weight is below 100, you don't get no love pounds so quit now!

Why do we do this?  Husbands KNOW that their wives are probably very sensitive about their weight.  If you ask them this question and a number pops into their minds, they KNOW they can't give you that number.  They KNOW they need to chop some off the top. The more you weigh, the more you get to subtract.
3. Take your ACTUAL weight and subtract the # you came up with after completing step 2.  THESE are your LOVE POUNDS!

Let's walk through one...

Let's say you are 400lbs.  I like to go with the big numbers because chubby girls don't get enough time in the spotlight.  Anyway, 400lbs...  You ask your hubby how much he thinks you weigh and he says 350.  You add 20lbs (step 2), bringing you up to 370.  400-370 is 30.  Your husband gives you 30 LOVE  POUNDS.  Now why would any woman in their right mind tell their husband the truth (that they weight 400lbs), when their husband only SEES 370 of them?  He's jaded by the love he has for you.  Let's leave it at that.