Cold Feet

I have cold feet about Jamaica. I'm lucky that Drew doesn't read my blog. He might think I'm a total freak if he did. Right now he only considers me 70% freak, 25% normal and 5% something else. I'm pretty sure it would jump to 95% freak, 0% normal and 5% something else if he actually read my ramblings.

Anywho...so yeah, cold feet. I've always been a little bit nervous about leaving the kids. They have NEVER been without us overnight before...like, NEVER EVER. One of us has ALWAYS been with them. Having Grandma and Grandpa come out for the week from WA is a HUGE comfort and I know they LOVE being with them.......but even then, they have only been with Grandma and Grandpa when Mom and Dad were around too. Will they freak out without us being there? Or will they be completely fine and I'm worrying for no reason at all?

Then we have my latest and greatest concern...the one that involves my excessive chub. I had always said that I would reward myself with a trip to somewhere awesome once I lost a significant amount of my chub. Well I've been saying that for years...and frankly, the pounds haven't exactly been falling off. I go through periods where I might lose 5 or 10 lbs...but then I'll gain back 3...then lose another 5...then add on 5... You get the picture. So in September, when I started to lose my sanity due to all of the sickness in our house and the stress at work and everything else going on in our lives, I threw that all out the window and booked this trip DESPITE my current weight. I told myself that if I lost some chub before then, it would be a bonus, but I wasn't putting pressure on myself to do it. Since then I've lost about 12 lbs...whoop-dee-doo. When you're as big as I am, those 12 lbs consist of the skin between your thumbs and your forefingers. No one even notices 12 lbs. We have only 6 weeks before we bust outta here and suddenly my chub is now something that invokes a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Although we NEED the break...and I really WANT the break...I am so self conscious about my appearance it makes it difficult to get excited. There is no amount of makeup or hair dye or stylish clothes that could fix this little issue of mine. There also isn't anything I can do about it right now. The trip is booked and we are leaving on February 6th. Great. Maybe if I drink excessively the whole time I won't even notice how awful I look. I might even be able to drink enough to make myself think I've got the body of Megan Fox. Ok yeah...that probably won't happen.

So now I have to figure out how I can 'accept' what I have done and still have an awesome time. It is what it is...even if I had lipo right now, there is only so much they can take off in one session. I also probably would not be in any shape to travel since it is a painful process. Knowing that as heavy as I am today might be as good as it gets, I need to identify what I can do mentally to prepare myself for our trip to the-land-of-beautiful-people. I still want to have fun and relax and live it up! This is our first real vacation together (other than our honeymoon to Vegas)...and may be our last for awhile...I don't want my horrible self image to ruin it. Maybe I should try hypnotism? If only I could be under the same spell as Jack Black was in Shallow Hal. He only saw Gwyneth Paltrow as beautiful...he never saw her as the morbidly obese woman that she really was. I could definitely use me some of that!